Superlaughs Page 18.......
MEN JOKES
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Nobody knows, it's never been done!
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3―" floppy
Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head.
How do you know if a man is lying?
His lips are moving!
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!
What do you get when you cross a man with a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.
Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.
Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.
What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.
What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.
What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.
What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.
What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.
How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.
Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.
Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.
Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.
He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."
We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.
138.Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bitch.
What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place.
Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Why did Moses wander the desert for fourty years?
He wouldn't ask for directions
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one
Why do most men prefer looks to brains?
Because most men see better than they think.
What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower
When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.
Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.
Why did the bachelor have trouble putting his shoes on?
His mother told him to put fresh socks on every day.
What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex?
"Honey! I'm home!"
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel.
Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports?
Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.
Why is a man just like a dog?
A.Both have irrational fears of vacuum cleaning.
B.Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
C.Both are suspicious of the postman.
Why did God create man first?
Easy, He needed a rough draft.
What do ceramic tiles and men have in common?
If you lay them right in the beginning, you can walk over them for life.
How is a man in bed like microwave food?
30 seconds and he is done.
What's it called when a woman gets paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What do men call pulling off a woman's panty hose?
Foreplay.
What is a husband?
It's an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves put up.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A bar of chocolate.
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love during the commercial break.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 3 months or 3,000 miles, whichever came first.
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.
Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
What three little word comes to a mans mind when his wife gets
sentimental over a romantic movie?
"Pass the popcorn."
Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
Because they are all perfect assholes.
Why are men like paper cups?
They're dispensable.
How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.
What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly?
One gives birth and the other gives burps.
How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.
What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
The La-Z-Boy recliner.
If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours?
None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.
What's the greatest mystery about men?
How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.
How can you tell if a man's playing around?
He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom it may concern..."
What does a man notice most when he's with his girlfriend?
Every other woman around.
What's the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
Who are balding men trying to fool when they comb the few wisps of hair that they still have, across their heads?
Themselves.
How is a man and a sports car alike?
Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.
What do you do if your bank account stops working?
Divorce him.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
What do you get when four men go fishing and one comes back after having caught nothing?
"Three Men And A Baby"
How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal?
One
What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day?
Lifting themselves out of bed and doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells.
What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
Once, when it was still in the factory.
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.
How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
a) We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
b) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband?
Say she wants to talk to him.
When do men insist that women are illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.
What's the real reason men can't communicate?
It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
Why do so few men end up in heaven?
They never stop to ask for directions.
How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
They never get a job.
What is a "man about town"?
He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.
What could men do to make their marriages last longer?
Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection.
What are the only two kinds of men?
Studs and duds.
How can you tell it's puppy love for a man?
He slobbers all over you.
What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
Dumbbells.
How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
He never had to date one.
How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
He *throws* his kisses.
How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to do with it.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.
When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get?
The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.
What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
Wear perfume that smells like beer.
How can you tell if a man is a WASP?
He gets out of the shower to pee.
What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look, donut seeds!"
Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer?
He wanted a foam mattress.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.
What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.
What do men think the only difference is between Father's Day and those other 364 days?
The card.
How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.
Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do anything around the house, it's odd!
Why did God make women so stupid?
Someone had to like men!
Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 floppy!
How are men like accessories?
If they don't compliment your wardrobe, shop for a new one.
How do you know a boy has grown up to be a man?
1. You don't 'cause he never will.
2. He buys more expensive toys.
What will your husband say if you, out of pure generousity, give five dollars to a bum?
Thanks honey, but I need ten.
My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.
I told him, "Just give them your underwear."
Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.
That's why he dates someone half his age.
Men would rather pledge allegiance to a flag than to a woman.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
- Close the door!
Don't trust a man who says he's single and then picks you up in a Volvo Estate with a child seat in the back
So many men so many reasons not to sleep with any of them!
If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you are not his type...
- You have a pulse.
Wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones.
Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander ?
- It's too little to be let out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
If he clips his toenails over the living room floor, shave your armpits over his copy of "Classic Car".
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop
(unless they are used together)
Three blondes run across a genie and he said that he would grant them each one wish. The first blonde wished to be 50% smarter. POOF! She's a brunette. The second one wished to be 25% smarter. POOF! She's a redhead. The third one wished to be 50% dumber. POOF! She's a blonde man!
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
I really didn't want to marry him for the money,
but I couldn't find any other way to get it.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
In a courtroom it takes 12 men to find out if a woman is innocent.
On a country lane in the moonlight, it takes only one.
Did you hear about the guy who left his wife?
She gave birth to twins, and he didn't believe her when she said there was no other guy.
Why is it impossible for a man to make Jell-o?
He can't figure out how to get two cups of water into that tiny package.
What's a man's favourite wine?
'Why is he driving a Porsche?? I deserve it more...'
What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a mans head?
A Space Invader
How do you make your husband wake up with a smile on his face monday morning?
Tell him a joke friday night.
I finally got my husband to do some gardening, but he broke his leg raking leaves.
He fell out of the tree...
When does a man get hurt by your words?
When you hit him with the dictionary...
Why are men lousy cooks?
1.) Because they don't know how to preheat before they put the meat in.
2.) Because every time the cookbook says "double the recipe" they try to heat the oven to 700 degrees.
What does a man make best for dinner?
Reservations.
What is the most intelligent thing a man can say?
.... yes dear.
Why do men have to wear jock straps?
So they don't get a headache.
Give a man an inch and he thinks he's a ruler.
A man is walking down the street with a pig under his arm.
He passes a person who asks 'Where did you get that?'
The pig says, 'I won him in a raffle!'
What did the man say after watching the ballet?
'Why don't they use taller girls?'
Widows are not the only people who have late husbands.
For every guy who marries for money,
there is a gal who marries for alimony.
Some men marry poor girls to settle down,
and others marry rich ones to settle up.
The trouble for a man with being best man at a wedding
is that he gets no chance to prove it.
The difference between a husband and a lover
is the difference between day and night.
Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife
and a surprised mother-in-law.
There is only one beautiful boy in the world,
and every mother has one.
Husband: 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.'
Wife: 'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we would do without the gardener too'
Why do men have legs?
So when your done with them they can leave.
Women who think they are equal to men lack ambition.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Why do men have such big nostrils?
Look at the size of their fingers.
Why do men prefer showers to baths?
Peeing in the tub is disgusting.
What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A closed mouth and an open wallet.
How do you make your husband scream while you make love?
You call him.
How men interpret the bible...
-Did you know that they had baseball in the bible? 'In the Big Inning'.
-Who is the first man in the bible? -Chap 1.
-Did you know that they played tennis in ancient Egypt? They must have, because Joseph served in Pharahoe's court.
Q. What's the difference between men and alley cats?
A. Men are taller.
Q. How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
A. It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
Q. Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis?
A. Because they should be.
Q. What's the best way to keep a man happy in bed?
A. Move the TV into the bedroom.
Q. What do you need when you have three male chauvinist pigs up to their necks in cement?
A. More cement.
Q. What does a man say when he watches his wife change a diaper?
A. I could have done that.
Q. Why did the football hero flunk his American Literature Exam?
A. He thought Moby Dick was a kind of venereal disease.
Most sophisticated women realize that any man who knows more than three lovemaking positions have to be rated an imaginative lover.
Q. Why won't a man make a commitment?
A. He's afraid he'd have to share his beer and pretzels.
Q. How may men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to the emergency room.
Q. What is the difference between a wife and a girl friend?
A. Forty-five pounds.
Q. What is the difference between a husband and a boy friend?
A.Forty-five minutes.
Q. What's the best thing about your child turning 3 years of age?
A. Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.
Q. Why do Australian men cum so fast?
A. So they can race down the pub and tell their mates.
Q: Why do men wear pants?
A: Did you ever see how bad they look in mini-skirts?
Q: Why don't men have PMS?
A: What would be the point, they act like that all the time.
Q. What's a man's idea of a romatic gift that is also practical?
A. A toaster that glows in the dark.
Q. They say that men only care about sex. That's not exactly true. They also care a lot about:
(a) power and world domination,
(b) money,
(c) beer.
Q. What is a man's worst nightmare?
(a) the SuperBowl is pre-empted by a soap opera,
(b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to do it,
(c) a female boss,
(d) he has to ask his wife for money.
If a man talks in the forest and there is no woman to hear, is he still wrong?
Husbands never become good, they merely become proficient.
How many men jokes are there?
None, they're all true.
What's the difference between men and algae?
Nothing, they're both scum.
Q. What do you call three men at the bottom of a lake?
A. A start.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them real thin.
How can you tell if a man is getting old?
It ain't hard!
It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says 'You know, you're really a lousy lover.'
To which the husband replies 'How can you tell after only 30 seconds?'
What's the difference between a man and a yoghurt?
A yoghurt has culture.
Q: What's the most useful part of a man?
A: A wallet.
Q: How can you tell that God is a woman?
A: If God were a man, he would have put the balls on the inside.
Your old man and your dog are both at the front door barking.
Which one do you let in?
The dog, because he'll stop barking when he gets in.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a woman?
A: A woman loves to eat out at her favorite restraunt, and a man wants to eat out without ever having to leave the house.
How can you tell when you have gained too much weight?
Men start treating you with respect. (Submitted by Daniel)
The worst thing about men is that most are raised by women
(I might add, " and they pick our fathers" ) (Submitted by Mason)
What do you call ten men lined up ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
Why did God make Adam first?
Practice makes perfect.
Why do men have trouble parking sideways?
They think that eenie weenine little space is also a foot long.
How do you keep a man busy for days?
Put him in a round room and tell him to look for the corners.
Why do men like to reek of beer?
It keeps their body odor from being noticed
How can you tell if a man is cheating on you?
He's not at home
Why do married women complain about their husbands so much?
Their husbands are men
The biggest difference between a man and a woman:
A man looks at a woman and gets all hot and bothered.
A woman doesn't even look at a man
Why do women always fall for the wrong kind of guy?
Is there any other kind?
... Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
Q: Why do men get married??
A: So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
What's wrinkled and hangs out a man's underwear?
His mother...
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.
What do you do if you see a field full of men?
Smile... and reload your gun.
Q: What does a man do when it's not football season?
A: Hibernate.
Q: Why did God create man?
A: She didn't. Her husband did.
I'm not saying my husband is dumb, but, when his doctor told him he had sugar in his urine, he went home and pissed on his corn flakes.
Q: What do men and apes have in common?
A: Everything.
In England, a dumb man who doesn't do anything is called a Gentleman.
Here we call him a boyfriend.
A man finds his wife in bed with another man. "What are you doing?" he yells.
"See," she says to her lover, "I told you he was dumb."
What does women have in common with trash?
It is hard to find a good man to take them out!
What do smart men do at the M&M factory?
Proofread
What do "Slow, children playing" grow up to be?
"Slow, Men at Work"
How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
I don't know, it's never been done.
What is the difference between a Porsche and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Him: Honey, I'm sick.
Her: When does it hurt?
Him: Doing the dishes.
What's the difference between your boyfriend and a pigeon?
The pigeon can easily make a deposit on a BMW.
My husband had to cash a check, and the sign at the door said '24 hour banking'. But he turned and went back to the car, So I asked him why, and he replied: 'I don't have that much time'
The only time my husband ever got close to the sink was when he wanted to try tap dancing, and he broke his ankle falling into it.
Why did the guy drive all winter without snow tyres?
Because he was afraid they would melt in warm weather.
Guy: How much do these diapers cost?
Saleswoman: They are $2.69 plus tax.
Guy: Skip the tacks, we'll pin them on.
Dear doctor, both my wife and I are sterile.
Is there any possibility that we will pass this on to our children?
Q: Why do men have legs?
A: So their brains don't drag on the ground.
Q: How many cute guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: If you're in the dark with a cute guy, why worry about the lights?!
Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Women are looking for Mr. Right.
Men are looking for Mrs. Right Now.
Why is shopping better than men?
If you don't like it, you can take it back!
Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
A woman to a man is like flowers to a vase.
A man to a woman is like bicycle to a fish.
Real estate agent: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.
That's why he dates someone half his age.
What do you do with a headache?
You divorce him
Q: Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support a man.
I married Mister Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.
It's not true that married women live longer than single women.
It only seems longer.
Losing a husband can be hard.
In my case, it was damned near impossible.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street completely bald and still think they look so gorgeous every man wants them
If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A woman is incomplete until she is married. After that, she's finished
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A) Six - one to sit on a table, 4 to rotate the table, and one to stay at the door and watch for electricity.
B) Just one, but he would rather climb the ladder, hold on to the bulb, and let the world revolve around him!
What is the smartest thing a man has ever said?
Well my wife says....
A perfect man, a perfect woman and Santa Claus were leaving a department store. Who would be holding up the door?
The perfect woman of course, the other two are figments of the imagination.
What is 6" long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?
Money
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let him sleep!
How is a marriage like a hot bath?
Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
To women, love is an occupation.
To men, love is a preoccupation.
Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
Men are like animals, but they make great pets.
Can you imagine a world without men ? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
If men were as great lovers as they think they are, we women wouldn't have time to do our hair. --Marlene Dietrich
Q: Why should men work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
A: A hunting license.
When a newly married woman looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married woman looks happy, we wonder why.
What do you get when you take away half of a woman's brain?
A smart man
Why does it take longer to build a snowman than a snowwoman?
You have to hollow out the head first
Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A: Wave
Why did God give men different faces?
So you can tell them apart
Today, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
Q: What do you call a smart man?
A: Unsighted.
Why are windows male?
Because they're a pane, and because you can see through them.
Why is shit male?
Because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.
Among men, sex sometimes leads to intimacy; among women intimacy sometimes leads to sex. (D. Symons)
Why is going to a singles bar like being a matador?
You have to dodge a lot of bull.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
How do you blind a man?
Place him in a grocery store.
Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding
Why can't Stevie Wonder sort his laundry?
He is a man
What is the similarity between men and nylons.
When you need them they run.
How many men jokes are there?
About half the population.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Boys will be boys, but one day all girls will be women.
Boys will be boys - but men are better at it.
Why do men call women birds?
Because of all the worms we pick up.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. (Groucho Marx)
Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist is hoping they are.
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them.
The trouble with some women is that they get excited about nothing - then marry him.
How does a man have the power to make a woman happy?
By remaining a bachelor.
If you want to know why men are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion!
Who needs a husband?
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon,
my fireplace smokes a lot,
my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and
I have a physician who looks me over regularly.
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
How are men like UFOs?
You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.
Q: What does a neuron do in a manīs brain?
A: It gets bored.
Q. How can you tell if a man is intelligent?
A. You poor, naive thing!
Men's brains are like the prison system: not enough cells per man
How can you tell the difference between a real man and a snowman?
Snowmen will be seen with a broom.
... This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said 'I Will' he knew damn well he couldn't.
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
Doctor, my wife just swallowed a whole bottle of Asprin! What should I do?
- Wake her up and give her a headache.
How is a man like a petrol station?
From the belly-button down he's super.
From the belly button up to his neck, he's normal,
and from the neck up he's simply air.
Have you heard about the new Divorced Barbie?
She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
So what do you do when your husband is staggering around in the back yard?
Shoot him again!
When a woman makes a fool of a man, it's usually an improvement.
Why are beer cans so easy to open?
Look who's drinking them.
Why do angry males act like such morons?
Who says they're acting?
Priest: 'I don't think you will ever find another man like you late husband.'
Wife: 'Who's gonna look?'
The fastest way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with a guy.
Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?
Don't wear your glasses on a blind date.
You'll look better, and he will too.
Q. What does it mean when the man in the house suddenly shows you affection, tenderness and sympathy?
A. It means you're in the wrong house.
Husband: You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Wife: No, have you?
Grow your own dope, plant a man!
Girls, when you date, always have the mother's quaint old sayings in mind:
'Don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been!'
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about 'the ceremony'.
Men talk about 'the bachelor party'.
How is a man like a microwave oven?
Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
Q: Would a clever woman make a good wife?
A: A clever woman won't BECOME a wife!
Q: Why are men so happy?
A: Because ignorance is bliss.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Man: Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
Woman: Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
Q: How are men and dogs alike?
A: If they can't eat it or screw it, then they just piss on it.
Q: Why do men get paid twice as much to do the same job?
A: The woman gets it it right the first time.
Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a man?
A: Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.
Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie. They say it was easy to get Barbie to talk.
The problem was getting Ken to listen.
A woman's job is never done because she still has to do what she asked her husband to do.
Did you hear that I ran into my ex the other day?..........
No, I didn't. What happened then?
Well, I backed up and ran him over again!
What do men and brains have in common?
Nothing thats why they are called shit for brains.
Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
What's the difference between a man and a camel?
A camel can work for 8 days without drinking, while a man can drink for 8 days without working.
Do you know why it takes men so much time to wash their basement windows?
They have to dig down the ladder first.
"I think not - therefore I must be male!"
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
Flies spread disease, keep your's zipped.
How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes.
It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
Q: Why do men whistle when they`re sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What is the difference between men and women:....
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A: Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
When will a guy wear pantyhose to work?
When his wife has found a pair in the glove compartment.
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.
Men are like oreos.
Once you eat the cream they aren't good anymore!
How many divorced men does it take to replace a light bulb?
None, she got the house.
How are men like bank machines?
Once they withdraw they lose interest.
When God made Man,
she was just kidding.
Helen Rowland: 'When you see what some girls marry,
you realise how much they must hate to work for a living'
Holbrook Jackson:'Why did Nature create Man?
Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?'
How does a man commit suicide?
He jumps from his ego to his I.Q.
Why are men like outhouses?
-Because they are all full of shit
A man heard that 90 percent of all accidents happen within 10 miles of the home...
So he moved.
Why are women smarter than men?
Because men have to take their clothes off just to count to 21.
Men vacuum like they mow the lawn,
They only go over it once, and what they miss they get later with the weed eater.
Why did the man cross the road?
Who knows why the hell men do anything?
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction_manuals"
How does a man find the woman of his dreams?
Like he find all other women, very satisfying.
Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
If god had wanted men to be perfect, he'd have given them brains
Men are proof even god makes mistakes
How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach
you're aiming way too high
Women don't make fools of men
most of them are the "do-it-yourself" types
The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons
you're sick of him
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home
He'll most likely lie about other things too
Men are all the same
they just have different faces so you can tell them apart
What is the deinition of a man with manners?
He gets out of the pool to pee
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will probably find that he already is
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men
a woman
Men are like animals
messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but occasionally make great pets
Husbands are like children
they're fine if they're someone else's
If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two,
He'll be back to his usual self
If a man suggests that you take a break from vacuuming the living room and relax
what it means is he can't hear the TV
If he is better than you at something, he will tell you how important it is.
If you are better than a him, he will claim it's nothing useful anyway
Never do housework.
No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember; you are known by the idiot you accompany
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies
Never marry a man for money.
You'll have to earn every penny
Definition of a bachelor:
a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night'
Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
Women are indeed silly, we sleep with men, who if they were women, we wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him;
'You may be, you look familiar'
There are two significant influences in a man's life
and they are both his mother.
What does a man call reclining in a cozy armchair with soft music playing in the background while a gorgeous blonde serves him coffee?
"A rough day at the office."
If men are so competent, how come you always see signs reading "DANGER - MEN WORKING" ?
Why do men want only one thing?
Because they've taken everything else.
How do you get a man to keep his hands off you?
Marry him.
What do you do when you best friend runs away with you husband?
Send her a thank you card.
A woman's love is a man's privilege, not his right.
I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures. (From a bumper sticker)
Men who say they can see through women are missing a lot.
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women,
but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy...
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
An unmarried man is an example of failure of Care in the community.
Q: What do getting a man to learn and trying to fly the speed of light have in common?
A: Both have been tried, both failed.
Q:How do you know when men are about to say something smart?
A:It starts with "My wife says..."
Q: Why do men drink their beer so fast?
A: They've heard of evaporation.
Q:Why do women date jerks?
A:Because all the sweet caring ones were hunted to extinction.
Never get involved with a married man -- you already know he is a liar and a cheat
90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.
Here's an oxymoron:
a grown man.
You know the Christmas story would never hold water today.
I mean, where are you going to find three wise men?
Men are like Horoscopes.....
You cant trust either one.!
Q: How do you drown a man?
A: Hot glue a porno magazine to the bottom of a pool.
A: Hot glue a six pack to the bottom of a pool.
No woman ever shot a man who was doing the dishes
Behind every successful man,
there is a woman ironing his shirts.
Me? Sexist? Why some of my best friends are men.
Man: Great concept, bad engineering.
Male bonding: Half a dozen guys glued to a TV watching football.
Man only learned to walk upright cause they put beer on the top shelf!
I still miss my ex-husband
-but my aim is improving.
Why did God call woman a help mate?
Because he needed someone smarter than man.
What do you call 500 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A darn good start.
Men's Philosophy: If you cant fix it use duct tape.
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