Superlaughs Page 14.......


THE OLE AND LENA OVERLOAD PAGE!!!! GET READY TO LAUGH UNTIL YOU ARE SICK!


Ole started a farm implement business and proudly advertised in the local paper,
“We stand behind all of our implements-except for the manure spreaders.”


Ole came back to work 15 minutes late. The boss noticed and asked where he had been.
Ole: Getting a haircut.
Boss: On company time?
Ole: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all of it.
Ole: I didn't get it all cut off.


When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked him, " Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife."
Ole Replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is a kind of ugly. Dis way I don't have to kiss her goodbye."


Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish. They caught one fish after the other. Ole says to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. Its the best fishing I've seen since I was a boy."
Sven replied, "I got some chalk in my tackle box, so why don't I put an X right here on the bottom of the boat?"
Ole laughed, "You goofy brother of mine...What if we don't rent the same boat next time."


A Texan was driving past of Ole's farm in a big convertible with steer horns on the hood. He saw Ole out front working on a tractor and stopped for a chat.
The Texan said,"How big a spread do you got here?"
To which Ole said" It goes from da road here back to dat woods back there and from da creek down there over to da Johnsons barn up on dat hill. How big a spread do you got?"
The Texan replied,"I can jump in my pickup truck and drive all day and not get to the other side of my ranch."
Ole laughed,"I had me a truck like dat once myself and sold dat junker to my crazy brother Sven."


The Mailman was making a delivery to Ole's house and notice a Penguin walking around the side yard. After asking Ole where it came from and finding out that it just showed up a couple of days before he told Ole that Penguins don't normally walk around Wisconsin and maybe Ole should take him to the Zoo.
Ole agreed with him and said he would do it this afternoon. The next day while driving by Ole's the Mailman noticed the Penguin was still there. He stopped and said to Ole," I thought you said you were going to take the Penguin to the Zoo yesterday."
Ole replied," I did, and we had so much fun that dis afternoon we are going to a baseball game."


Ole and Sven were workers in a lumber yard. When Ole had his ear cut off accidentally by a saw, they looked around in the sawdust to find it. Sven said "here it is" and Ole said "No, mine had a pencil behind it"


Ole and Sven were having a little talk, Ole says "Sven ,do you read the bible?" Sven says "sure but it confuses me"Ole says,"how does it confuse you" Sven says "It talks alot about Saint Paul. but nuttin about Minneapolis"


Q: Why does ole whistle when he's sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps him remember which end to wipe.


The Smart Swede A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian found themselves deserted on a small island. A Cannibal tribe lived on the island, and they emprisoned the three men. The cannibals gave each of them a final wish.
First they asked the Norwegian. The Norwegian wanted to see his wife once more. The cannibals went to find the wife. After he saw his wife, the Norwegian was eaten, and the cannibals made a canoe out of his skin.
The Finn wanted to smoke one more cigarette. He got his cigarette. After he was finished, he was eaten and his skin was used to make a canoe.
Then came the Swede's turn - he wanted a fork. He started to punch holes into himself, and yelled: "YOU WON'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!"


Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."


Lena Yonson and Ole Yonson, two staunch Norwegians, had been dating for several months. They were quite in love with each other and decided they should be married.
They went into the Justice of the Peace to file the forms. The receptionist asked them, "What are your names?"
Lena replied, "My name is Lena Yonson."
Ole replied, "My name is Ole Yonson."
She looked at them strangely and asked, "Any relation?"
Lena replied blushingly, "Yust vunce-- ve couldn't vait!"


OLE AND LENA - Computer Lingo


LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter


LOG OFF: don't add vood


MONITOR : keep an eye on da vood stove


MEGAHERTZ: vhen a big log drops on your barefoot in da morning


FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from piling too much vood


RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork


DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter


PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season


ENTER: come on in


WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below


SCREEN: vhat is a must during black fly season


CHIP: vhat ya munch during Packers games


MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone


MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly


DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix's wife


LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit


KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to put da keys so da Misses can find em


SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?


MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard


MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna that holds up da roof


PORT: vhere da commericial fishin boats dock


RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it



Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."


Ole, Lena and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an oil lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.
The genie says, "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesooota and I can grant each of you vun vish."
Ole says, "I vish I vas back on da farm." Poof, Ole was gone.
Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone.
Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "Sven, vat is your vish?" and Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were here with me".


Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.
"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."
Ole replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale."


One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, "Doc, I just don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell, our sex life just ain't going dat vell."
The doctor says, "Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week and let me know how you're doing."
So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says,"Doc, dis is Ole."
The doctor says, "Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?"
Ole says, "Yes."
The doctor asks, "And has your sex life improved?"
Ole replies,"Well, how da hell vould I know? I'm seventy miles from home!"


Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?," asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"


Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing.
Ole said, "Let's go a bit furder down stream."
So they did and they caught many monstrous fish. They had their limit so they went home.
On the way home Sven said, "I marked de spot right in de middle of de boat, Ole."
"You stupid," said Ole, "How do you know ve vill get da same boat next time?"


Ole and Lena were laying in bed one night when the phone rang. Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up.
Lena say's "who was dat Ole?".
Ole say's "Hell if I know, some guy wants ta know if da coast is clear."


FOOTPRINTS

Ole dreamed that he was walking down the beach with Jesus. And he looked back and saw footprints in the sand.
But sometimes there were two pairs of footprints, and sometimes there was only one.
And the times when there was only one pair of footprints, those were Ole's times of greatest trouble.
So he asked Jesus, "Why, dere in my greatest need, did you abandon me?" Jesus replied, "I never left you. Those were the times when we both hopped on one foot."
And lo, Ole was really embarassed for bothering Him with such a stupid question.


So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in in last place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the judges "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using der arms"!


So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone," and Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway," and Ole says, "One nut ---- heck, there are hundreds of them!"


Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled: "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance! -


His teacher told Ole's son that he appeared to have musical ability, so Ole and Lena bought him a shoe horn. ---


Ole and Lars went Ice Fishing last winter. It took them over 3 hours just to dig out enough ice to get their boat into the water.


Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats".


Ole and Lena went to the big city. They decided to buy tickets to the Ballet. After watching for about 30 minutes, Ole leaned over to Lena and remarked "I don't understant vhy dey are dancink on der tippy tose. Why don't dey yust get taller dancers?"


Ole hitchhiked to Chicago. The sewage truck driver let him off just outside of town. Ole hailed a taxi and asked the driver: "DUSS DISS CAB GO TO DA LOOP?" "No," replied the driver. "It goes BEEP BEEP BEEP".


Ole bought Lars a small bag of M&M's for his 40th birthday. After about a week, he visited Lars again and noticed the bag of M&M's was still almost full. Feeling snubbed, he asked Lars why he had only eaten a few of the M&M's. Lars replied; "Dere too hart to peel"


Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking". Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."


Ole's Obituary
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K.
You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"


Did you hear that Lena passed away? Her last request was to be buried at sea. Sadly, Ole drowned trying to dig her grave.


Ole was talking to his neighbor Sven. Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new blinds." "Vhy?" Ole asked. "Vel last night I saw, you and Lena, vel you know." Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha ha Sven, da jokes on you, I vasn't home last night!"


Ole, a Swede, fell in love with a Norwegian girl whose name was Lena. They decided to get married, much to the dismay of Ole's family. They thought he could do better to marry a Swede, but finally consented.
A few years following, Ole met an old friend. His friend said, "Ole, what have you been doing all these years?" Ole replied, "Well for one thing, I married a Norwegian girl. She isn't much to look at, but I love her very much."
His friend said, "Do you have any children?" Ole replied, "No, but we have purchased a little monkey, and he has become like one of the family. He even sits at the table with us at meal time."
His friend said, "That's disgusting." And Ole said, "Not only that, but he sleeps between us at night."
His friend replied, "That's the awfulest thing I've ever heard, what about the smell." Ole said, "Well, he's gotten used to it just like I did."


Ole to a doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I've got a problem. I have a bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."
Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"
Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."


Vell, Ole and Lena, dey is gettin on in years now, and vun day dey vas out in the car and Ole sees the blue lights flashing in the mirror. So he pulls over and the policeman there in Ballard say "Ole, what the heck you doin?!?"
"Vell", says Ole, "Lena and I, ve vent over der to the Safeway and got some things for our dinner, and now ve yust going over to the drugstore for our pills..."
"OLE!" says the cop, "Lena fell out four blocks back!!"
"Oh, tank God" said Ole, "I tot I vas goin' deaf!"


Ole had a doctor's appointment and was very hard of hearing so he took Lena with him to help. When they got into the examining room, the Dr. told the Ole to take off his shirt. The Ole turned to Lena and shouted, "What did he say?" and Lena got closer in his ear and yelled, "Take your shirt off!" Ole nodded and took his shirt off.

The Dr. then asked Ole to tilt his head back so that he could have a better look down his throat. Ole shouted, "What?" and Lena got closer to his ear and yelled, "Tilt your head back and open your mouth." Ole nodded and tilted his head back.

When this was all over, the Dr. said, "OK, now all I need is a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample. Ole yelled, "What?" and Lena got closer to his ear and yelled, "The Dr. wants your shorts!"


Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live".
Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon heavenly aroma came from the kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies!
"Lena must really love me" he thought. Ole went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie - Lena slaped his hand away and said "the cookies are for the funeral" !!!


Ole and Lena are married, of course ya know. Vell von day Lena comes home in da afternoon from shoppin' and she finds Ole is aready home now, sittin'on da couch.
"Vat da heck ya doin' already home?"
"I lost my yob...I vas fired!" Ole says
"Vat da heck did dey fire ya for?" asked Lena
"I got caught vit my peter in da pickle slicer." Ole says, sheepishly.
"Oh, my! Let me see it" Lena exclaimed as she grabs Ole's pants and pulls them down to his ankles.
"Vy, you look yust fine! Vat happened to the pickle slicer?" asked Lena
"Yah, vell" says Ole, "she got fired too."


Ole and Lena had gone out to the outhouse. When Ole got ready to sit down a quarter dropped out of his pocket and fell in. Ole quickly grabbed his wallet and his watch and threw them down the hole too.
Lena yelled, "vat da heck ya do dat for?"
Ole said, "I'm not going down der for yust a quarter."


Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said "are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."


Ole and Sven were out fishing in the boat when Ole felt a tug on his line. When he reeled in his catch he discovered it was only an old lamp. While Ole was rubbing it dry there was a sudden "puff" and a genie appeared out of the lamp.
"Thank for freeing me from the lamp" said the genie. To show my gratitude I will grant you one wish.
After thinking for a few minutes Ole finally told the genie that his wish is for all of the water in the lake to turn into beer.
At Ole's request the genie raised his hands and "puff", the lake turned to beer. "Dat vas perty stupit!" said Sven
"vy vas dat so stupit?" asked Ole
"Because," Sven replied, "now ve gonna hafta pee in da boat."


Ole and Lena were out motoring one day in Ole's new car. A policeman stopped him and said he was doing 50 miles per hour in a 30 mile zone.
"I vas only going 30, officer," protested Ole.
"No, you were going 50," said Ole.
"Really, officer, I vas just doing 30," said Ole.
"And I say you were going 50," repeated the cop.
Lena, sitting in the back seat, trying to be helpful, spoke up, "Officer....you shouldn't try to argue vid Ole ven he's been drinking!"


A neighbor asked Ole why the Norwegian government doesn't draft men until age 45. Explained Ole, "Dey vant to gt dem right out of high school."


OLE: Why don't Swedes make Kool Aid?
SVEN: I tink it is becoss it is so hard getting a quart of vater to pour into dat little hole in da package.


Ole remarked, as he sat reading a magazine: "Lena, do you know everytime I breathe, somebody dies?"
LENA: Vhy don't you try gargling vid Listerine.


Ole went to SEars to buy some carpenter tools and decided to charge them. The credit clerk took down his name and address and then asked, "ARe you a regular customer."
"Yah, I guess you could say I am," said Ole. "I take a glass of prune juice every morning."


The 2 biggest Minnesota Viking fans of all time (Ole' and Sven) were of coarse, up to no good again! They went over to Wisconsin to try and sabotage the Packer's lockeroom so they would get trapped in there and couldn't make it to the big game on Sunday.

Well as it turned out, their plan failed and both of the pranksters suffocated to death while getting stuck crawling through the duct work.

Ole' and Sven went up to the pearly gates to try and gain admission. St. Peter just looked at these two and said,"Don't even think about it you two! I've been hearing about your shinanigans and pranks for years now, and quite frankly, I've been waiting a long time for this moment."

Ole' and Sven were puzzled by St. Peters outburst but soon found themselves in a very unpleasant place called hell. The devil approached them and told them to shovel 15 tons of coal into the blast furnace, in 8 hours or they would be in big trouble. So they did it.

8 hours later the 2 pranksters were relaxing on the coal pile when the devil came back. "Well how do you 2 pranksters like hell?"

Ole' and Sven said," Vell, it wasn't too a tougha job eh'! The temperature isa bout right. It feels a like Minnesota in a June don't ya know."

This made the Devil very angry, so he turned up the furnace and gave them another 8 hours to shovel 20 tons of coal into it. 8 hours went by and the Devil came back to see Ole' and Sven sitting down again.

"Well now how do you 2 like hell?" The Devil screamed!"The heat does still not bother you 2?"

Ole' and Sven said,"Vell, It a feels like a Minnesota in July or maybe even August for sure eh'."

The devil became so outraged at these 2 pranksters that he was bound and determined to show them a thing or 2!

The devil shut the furnaces off completely, and opened a cavern that led straight to the north pole. The Devil told them they had 8 hours to shovel the 40 Tons of snow that came blowing in. The temperature soon fell to -60 below zero!

8 hours went by and the Devil came back. Ole' and Sven were reclining in their homemade igloos.

The Devil could not believe this at all. He asked the 2 how they liked it in hell now!

Ole' and Sven said that it felt just like January in Minnesota. They also asked the Devil what the score of the game was? The Devil was bewildered."Why do you ask this?"

"Well," said Ole' and Sven,"De Vikings must'uv surely a wun dat dare Super a Bowl, seein' as how dis a here place is frozed over now!


Sven and Ole quit their job and bought a truck because they had heard that there was a good deal of money to be earned in this occupation. When they went down to the insurance agent to buy insurance, the agent asked Ole "How much experience do you have with driving a truck?"
Ole: "Ve dont have any experiense now, but by the end of the summer ve're gonna have lots of it."

Agent: "Well, before our company writes out a policy, we have to be sure in our own mind that you are suited for this kind if work, after all, we stand to lose a lot of money should you have an accident."
Ole: " ja, I kan apprishiate that."
Agent: "Ole, I'm gonna ask you a hypothetical question. Picture this, You've got a full load and you've been driving all night. Your coming out of the mountains, your friend Sven is sleeping in the bunk behind you. At the end of a long down grade there is a railroad track crossing the road. As you approach, you notice the train is coming. You step on the brakes, but you don't have any, you've lost them in the mountains. You quickly down shift to slow down only to discover that you got out of fourth, but for the life of you, you can't get it into third. You're freewheeling and picking up speed. What would you do?"

Ole: After thinking for a few moments says, "I think I vould vake up Sven, he's never seen a real bad accident."



BACK
NEXT
HERSELF'S HIDEOUT MAIN PAGE